No, the reason I ask you not to vote for him is that I heard a clip of him speaking on NPR last night, and it became glaringly obvious: the man has an s-whistle.  (How can I describe an “s-whistle”? - it’s like a verbal nose whistle occurring when the letter “s” is said.)  Many great people have been afflicted with this - Dan Rather and Samuel J. Gopher from  Winnie the Pooh are two - and have made great lives for themselves.  (Last word from the Hundred Acre Woods is that Gopher won the lottery and is now performing in Vegas.)  But I don’t think I can stand it if I have to hear our very own President belting out semi-musical consonants every State of the Union Address, or whenever else he feels like televising a speech during Law & Order.

The more I thought about the similarities between John McCain’s and Gopher’s way of talking, the more I started thinking about the similarities between John McCain and Gopher themselves.  Some brief Internet research show startling physical similarities between McCain and Gopher.  See for yourselves!

I now see that John McCain’s s-whistle is only a symptom of a bigger problem:  He is slowing turning into a giant gopher.

Nothing against gophers, but we’ve never had a gopher as a senator, much less a president.  So please, consider carefully who you vote for this November, or you might wind up with the President of the United States in your front garden, digging up your petunias.

You’d think a responsible person like this would have no trouble getting what she wants at restaurants, stores, doctor’s offices, etc., because she know what she’slooking for and knows what’s available and necessary.   The problem (as it is with almost anything) is other people.  L is a highly intelligent, highly efficient person.  She is therefore outnumbered by billions of the opposite type of people on this planet.  You would be amazed at how many bad experiences she’s had at restaurants and the like simply because people are incompetent.  Maybe the most competent people are magnets for the least.  I don’t know, but here is the latest of her misadventures, in her own words:

I don’t very often shop at Toys R Us but found them on my list of errands this week because they had a bike on sale that I thought would be great for my oldest daughter. I arrived at the store just after they opened at 10 AM. I had no trouble finding the bike I wanted to purchase. Unfortunately it was on the top rack. I was able to locate an employee who went to see if there was a bike in the back. He came out and told me the only one left in stock was the one on the rack would cost me an additional $10 because it was already assembled.

Most stores I visit charge you less for floor models, not more. Plus, I didn’t ask them to assemble it. I’m perfectly capable of doing that myself. I explained that I did not wish to pay the assembly fee and that I would be happy to take the assembled bike without the assembly fee or a rain check. I was then told they couldn’t waive the assembly fee and they could not give me a rain check as long as there was product that could be sold. I asked for a manager.

When the same employee returned minus a manager I was told they could get me a rain check at the service counter. I proceeded to the service counter where I had to wait several minutes in line. I then requested a rain check. At first they refused and insisted on checking with employees and stock room personnel (something I had already done), and even a truck they were unloading, to make sure there really was no bike in inventory. I mean, it’s certainly likely that if there was a bike in inventory I would rather get a rain check than the item I actually wanted to purchase. I have had to ask for rain checks from other stores. It’s generally no big deal. However, I spent the next 30 minutes giving the same information repeatedly while 3 different employees tried to figure out how to get me a rain check. They ended up calling a manager to get me a rain check.

Nearly an hour later I managed to walk out of the store with a rain check, a lot of irritation, and no bike. Apparently the moral of the story is, if you need to waste an hour of your life, go to Toys R Us and ask the counter of disservice to get you a rain check.

Change – I have changed my underwear every day this year.

Results – This has resulted in me having more friends.

Collaboration – I have collaborated with many coworkers so far this year, resulting in the finding of cures for several major diseases (AIDS, prostate cancer, and Restless Leg Syndrome).  I have also joined forces with fellow agents, alphabetized many of our most commonly-used files, and collaborated with a sales agent (a pre-law major) who helped two of us plead not-guilty to a hit-and-run accident involving an orphan, thus ensuring that I would not miss any work due to jail time.

Customers – I have assisted many customers so far this year, and have become so good at my job that I regularly have to turn down marriage proposals from first-time callers.

People – I am in constant contact with people, and have not injured or killed a single person yet.  I attribute this high safety percentage to my gentle demeanor and possible over-use of antidepressants.Interpersonal – I am well on my way to achieving my goal of both dating and causing long-term emotional issues to all of the single men in my department.  This helps achieve the dual goal of entertaining me, and also ensuring that the people most likely to be promoted from the department are women, which helps fulfill our company’s aggressive diversity quota.

Strategy – My current strategy is to get this review into the right hands, resulting in a giant bonus for me.

Innovation – I have a bionic left buttock from which I can place outgoing calls, and receive faxes.  This is certainly an impressive technological innovation.

Integrity and Compliance – My integrity has been kept intact so far this year (pending one court case and a recent police report), and I have been very compliant with all of the company’s policies and procedures (again, pending one court case).

Overall Comments – I think I am by far the best employee in the company, and, owing largely to my bionic left buttock, am perhaps the best-looking employee as well.  The only area of improvement I can possibly suggest is that we start including pictures in these reviews, as the phrase “bionic left buttock” hardly does justice to my chrome prosthetic.

Me?  I think I’ll be having Subway and a nap.  Er, siesta.

They say a butterfly flapping its wings in South America can cause a hurricane in China.  I say we go kill all the butterflies.

The decision I’m speaking of, of course, is that of whether or not to put a dollar in my winter coat pocket.  That way, when I put it away for the summer, let it sit through the fall and finally pull it out again in the winter, yay!  I found a dollar I forgot I had!

Oh, come on.  You’ve thought of doing it before.  Really, isn’t it a great feeling to reach in your pocket and feel paper, and then pull the paper out and realize that it’s legal tender for all debts, public and private?  That little instant of joy can add so much to a day**.

Actually, while writing this post, I’ve realized that I’m very hungry, and I’ve just decided that I’m going to use my money and buy something for dinner.  That was a lot easier than most years***.  I should make decisions on an empty stomach more often.****

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*I’m giving myself a bonus point for using the word “fraught”.  I will save these bonus points and redeem them for valuable cash and prizes.

**Unless you’ve just found out you have cancer.

***Like the one year I was deciding whether or not to leave a silver dollar in my coat pocket, so I flipped the silver dollar to help make the decision, and it fell under the refrigerator.  That year, I was disappointed when I put on my winter coat for the first time.  But I had a great time the following year, when I cleaned under the fridge.

****Except for the time I was hungry and decided to catch and eat a boar.  The tusk marks have faded, but the emotional scars will never fully heal.

In keeping with the general attitude of someecards.com, I came up with some pictures and phrases of my own.  Go to someecards.com, get the general idea of the comedic style, then enjoy some of my creations (using fun retro clipart from the internet):