This election has had it’s particularly nasty moments and negative campaigning on both sides.  I was talking to my dad last night, and he made some very good points.  It’s important to keep in mind that whoever wins - your candidate or a different candidate - the country isn’t going to crash overnight.  No matter who wins, our country will begin a road of hopefully positive change.   No matter who wins, there will be someone in the Oval Office who sincerely cares about the country.  No matter who wins, we will get to experience the joy of discovering new ways to do things, and a fresh start.  No matter who wins, the sun will still rise tomorrow, and you will still have your family, friends, and life.  No matter who wins, you can rest in the knowledge that in our 200+ year history, no politician has ever managed to break a country beyond repair in 4 or even 8 years.  We were here before the next president, and we will be here long after he leaves office.  No matter who wins this election, we can still look to a future full of hope and promise.

And perhaps the most important point: no matter who wins, as long as you voted, you have earned the right to gripe about the government without guilt for the next four years.

Well, I watched the entire debate last night, and I confess myself disappointed.  I was waiting, no, hoping for some comedic gems from Gov. Palin.  She did a lot better than I thought she would.

Now before I go into my thoughts about the debate, I have to say this: I don’t hate Sarah Palin.  I just don’t agree with her.  She is very charming, very pretty, and very likable.  It looks like she has a beautiful family, and she has impeccable taste in eyewear.  It’s beliefs that she and I differ on, not herself as a person.  With that said, let the debate flaying begin.

In my humble opinion, I think Biden edged out Palin to “win” the debate.  His answers seemed to be more thorough, even though he didn’t have quite as much personality as Palin.  It was touching to see him tear up about his first wife and kids, too.  I think Biden was at a bit of a disadvantage because people expected him to do well, since he’s been a statesman for so long.  The bar was probably set a bit higher for him.  For Palin, as long as she made an intelligent answer and didn’t say, “I’ll get back to you on that,” it would be chalked up as a victory.  You always cheer louder for the Special Olympics athletes than the regular Olympic athletes.

It was ominous, however, at the beginning of the debate when she basically told us that she will answer the questions how she wants to answer them.  And answer them her way she did.  She turned multiple questions back to the subject of taxes, Alaska, and energy.  And I swore I would puke if I heard one more of her catchphrases like “greed and corruption on Wall Street,” “reform,” or “maverick.”  Seriously, enough with the maverick stuff.   Yes, we get that you’re a maverick.  Yes, we get that you’re wild and crazy.  Yes, we know that you can field-dress a moose, s#*t on a cactus, wrestle a horse, or whatever crazy things you can think of.  That’s fantastic.  But I’m just tired of it.  (Truth be told, I’m ready for the whole election thing to occur and then move on.)

My point is, there are other fun adjectives you can be, too.  Let’s pick a new word to run into the ground.  (Truth be told again, the word “change” is getting a bit wearing, too.  See?  See my bipartisan, equal-opportunity judging?  How can you not love me after that?)

The thing that really stuck out to me was Palin’s lack of professionalism.  It’s cute up in Alaska and other parts of the country to feel “homey” or “folksy”.  It’s fun to do that when you’re haggling at a flea market or riding horses at a dude ranch, or even trying to win the hearts of a good ‘ole corn-growing American town.  And there’s nothing wrong with that.  But there’s a certain professional protocol that needs to be followed if you want to enhance your credibility with others.  If I went to a lawyer and he was dressed in a clown suit, I’d think he was absolutely incompetent and out-of-touch.  He could be brilliant, but he’s lost credibility with me because he wasn’t acting in a professional manner.  I can see Palin as the folksy governor of Alaska.  I cannot see her professionally conversing with the German chancellor.  You don’t say “doggone” and “heckuva” in the political world arena.  And the fact that she says “noo-kyoo-ler” is also disturbing.

As for Biden, I was a little disappointed with his answer to the gay marriage question.  I think same-sex couples should get the same status as heterosexual couples.  If the government is going to nose in and legislate what constitutes a legal “marriage,” then it should extend to everyone who wants to participate in a legal manner.

I thought Biden himself did well overall.  He was very steady, and since he’s not as charismatic as Palin, his participation in the debate didn’t stick out as much.  There’s not terribly much I can tear apart or comment on, because he just didn’t do a whole lot that was out of the ordinary.  He just gave his answers as an experienced statesman.

So there you have it.  My thoughts on the debates.  What did you think of the debates?  Was there a clear winner to you?  What did you like?  What didn’t you like?  What did you think was funny?  What did you think was scary?  What did you think was reassuring?

No, the reason I ask you not to vote for him is that I heard a clip of him speaking on NPR last night, and it became glaringly obvious: the man has an s-whistle.  (How can I describe an “s-whistle”? - it’s like a verbal nose whistle occurring when the letter “s” is said.)  Many great people have been afflicted with this - Dan Rather and Samuel J. Gopher from  Winnie the Pooh are two - and have made great lives for themselves.  (Last word from the Hundred Acre Woods is that Gopher won the lottery and is now performing in Vegas.)  But I don’t think I can stand it if I have to hear our very own President belting out semi-musical consonants every State of the Union Address, or whenever else he feels like televising a speech during Law & Order.

The more I thought about the similarities between John McCain’s and Gopher’s way of talking, the more I started thinking about the similarities between John McCain and Gopher themselves.  Some brief Internet research show startling physical similarities between McCain and Gopher.  See for yourselves!

I now see that John McCain’s s-whistle is only a symptom of a bigger problem:  He is slowing turning into a giant gopher.

Nothing against gophers, but we’ve never had a gopher as a senator, much less a president.  So please, consider carefully who you vote for this November, or you might wind up with the President of the United States in your front garden, digging up your petunias.

You’d think a responsible person like this would have no trouble getting what she wants at restaurants, stores, doctor’s offices, etc., because she know what she’slooking for and knows what’s available and necessary.   The problem (as it is with almost anything) is other people.  L is a highly intelligent, highly efficient person.  She is therefore outnumbered by billions of the opposite type of people on this planet.  You would be amazed at how many bad experiences she’s had at restaurants and the like simply because people are incompetent.  Maybe the most competent people are magnets for the least.  I don’t know, but here is the latest of her misadventures, in her own words:

I don’t very often shop at Toys R Us but found them on my list of errands this week because they had a bike on sale that I thought would be great for my oldest daughter. I arrived at the store just after they opened at 10 AM. I had no trouble finding the bike I wanted to purchase. Unfortunately it was on the top rack. I was able to locate an employee who went to see if there was a bike in the back. He came out and told me the only one left in stock was the one on the rack would cost me an additional $10 because it was already assembled.

Most stores I visit charge you less for floor models, not more. Plus, I didn’t ask them to assemble it. I’m perfectly capable of doing that myself. I explained that I did not wish to pay the assembly fee and that I would be happy to take the assembled bike without the assembly fee or a rain check. I was then told they couldn’t waive the assembly fee and they could not give me a rain check as long as there was product that could be sold. I asked for a manager.

When the same employee returned minus a manager I was told they could get me a rain check at the service counter. I proceeded to the service counter where I had to wait several minutes in line. I then requested a rain check. At first they refused and insisted on checking with employees and stock room personnel (something I had already done), and even a truck they were unloading, to make sure there really was no bike in inventory. I mean, it’s certainly likely that if there was a bike in inventory I would rather get a rain check than the item I actually wanted to purchase. I have had to ask for rain checks from other stores. It’s generally no big deal. However, I spent the next 30 minutes giving the same information repeatedly while 3 different employees tried to figure out how to get me a rain check. They ended up calling a manager to get me a rain check.

Nearly an hour later I managed to walk out of the store with a rain check, a lot of irritation, and no bike. Apparently the moral of the story is, if you need to waste an hour of your life, go to Toys R Us and ask the counter of disservice to get you a rain check.

Change – I have changed my underwear every day this year.

Results – This has resulted in me having more friends.

Collaboration – I have collaborated with many coworkers so far this year, resulting in the finding of cures for several major diseases (AIDS, prostate cancer, and Restless Leg Syndrome).  I have also joined forces with fellow agents, alphabetized many of our most commonly-used files, and collaborated with a sales agent (a pre-law major) who helped two of us plead not-guilty to a hit-and-run accident involving an orphan, thus ensuring that I would not miss any work due to jail time.

Customers – I have assisted many customers so far this year, and have become so good at my job that I regularly have to turn down marriage proposals from first-time callers.

People – I am in constant contact with people, and have not injured or killed a single person yet.  I attribute this high safety percentage to my gentle demeanor and possible over-use of antidepressants.Interpersonal – I am well on my way to achieving my goal of both dating and causing long-term emotional issues to all of the single men in my department.  This helps achieve the dual goal of entertaining me, and also ensuring that the people most likely to be promoted from the department are women, which helps fulfill our company’s aggressive diversity quota.

Strategy – My current strategy is to get this review into the right hands, resulting in a giant bonus for me.

Innovation – I have a bionic left buttock from which I can place outgoing calls, and receive faxes.  This is certainly an impressive technological innovation.

Integrity and Compliance – My integrity has been kept intact so far this year (pending one court case and a recent police report), and I have been very compliant with all of the company’s policies and procedures (again, pending one court case).

Overall Comments – I think I am by far the best employee in the company, and, owing largely to my bionic left buttock, am perhaps the best-looking employee as well.  The only area of improvement I can possibly suggest is that we start including pictures in these reviews, as the phrase “bionic left buttock” hardly does justice to my chrome prosthetic.

Me?  I think I’ll be having Subway and a nap.  Er, siesta.

They say a butterfly flapping its wings in South America can cause a hurricane in China.  I say we go kill all the butterflies.