The Nuts Are Running The Squirrel House

It’s mid-year review time for most of the people in my department.  We have a system here where the employee writes their own review, then meets with their supervisor to go over it and make changes and get approval.  The format has ten areas on which the employee reviews himself/herself: change, results, collaboration, customers, people, interpersonal, strategy, innovation, integrity and compliance, and overall comments.  I’m new enough that I don’t have to write a mid-year review this time.  However, I did anyway.  I’d probably get fired if I turned it in, so I’ll let you enjoy it instead:

Change – I have changed my underwear every day this year.

Results – This has resulted in me having more friends.

Collaboration – I have collaborated with many coworkers so far this year, resulting in the finding of cures for several major diseases (AIDS, prostate cancer, and Restless Leg Syndrome).  I have also joined forces with fellow agents, alphabetized many of our most commonly-used files, and collaborated with a sales agent (a pre-law major) who helped two of us plead not-guilty to a hit-and-run accident involving an orphan, thus ensuring that I would not miss any work due to jail time.

Customers – I have assisted many customers so far this year, and have become so good at my job that I regularly have to turn down marriage proposals from first-time callers.

People – I am in constant contact with people, and have not injured or killed a single person yet.  I attribute this high safety percentage to my gentle demeanor and possible over-use of antidepressants.Interpersonal – I am well on my way to achieving my goal of both dating and causing long-term emotional issues to all of the single men in my department.  This helps achieve the dual goal of entertaining me, and also ensuring that the people most likely to be promoted from the department are women, which helps fulfill our company’s aggressive diversity quota.

Strategy – My current strategy is to get this review into the right hands, resulting in a giant bonus for me.

Innovation – I have a bionic left buttock from which I can place outgoing calls, and receive faxes.  This is certainly an impressive technological innovation.

Integrity and Compliance – My integrity has been kept intact so far this year (pending one court case and a recent police report), and I have been very compliant with all of the company’s policies and procedures (again, pending one court case).

Overall Comments – I think I am by far the best employee in the company, and, owing largely to my bionic left buttock, am perhaps the best-looking employee as well.  The only area of improvement I can possibly suggest is that we start including pictures in these reviews, as the phrase “bionic left buttock” hardly does justice to my chrome prosthetic.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 6th, 2008 at 6:29 pm and is filed under Have A Laugh. You can follow responses to this entry through the Comments RSS Feed. Pinging is currently closed.