Welcome Back, Kotter! Er, Playtah!
Yes, I have been absent for way too many days. Weeks. Ok, almost a freaking month. But I’m back.
Shortly after the new year, I started a job at Foremost Insurance. I worked there right out of college, and now I’m back! I will be an insurance sales agent, and have thus spent the last week in class studying to pass the Michigan property and casualty license test. I did it last time, so I have no doubt I can do it again.
Being in a classroom atmosphere has reminded me of how there always seem to be a few “special” people in attendance. (Not necessary this specific class, but generally.) Here are some people you may have had classes with before.
Clicky McClickerson - Constantly has a click-type pen in hand. Waits until everyone is concentrating, and then begins the rhythmic audio torture, oblivious to the pain of everyone else. I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Clicky, put the pen down, or I will put the pen down for you. And by “down,” I mean, “in one of your less comfortable orifices.”
Sniffy McSnifferson - For the love of all that is pure and holy, please just blow your nose. And then, if you feel a bit of nasal drippage again, use the tissue to wipe it away. Don’t sniff so much. Or so hard. I think I had a pen in my hand a minute ago.
Bouncy McBouncerson - You are moving the WHOLE table! Seriously! Take some meds. Or make sure you’ve gone through your withdrawals before work. If I wanted everything around me to shake, I’d move to California.
Chewy McChewerson - It’s cool to chew ice. If you’re alone. If you are around me and I hear you chewing ice, I will assume you need help crushing the ice, and will help - with my fist.
Wrappy McWrapperson - When it’s really quiet in the classroom, there’s no way you’re going to open that bag of chips or piece of hard candy unnoticed. Bite the bullet and open it quickly, don’t drag it out into a 5-minute production of trying to gently open the bag. If you do drag it out, I will wait until we are in the lunchroom, then loudly ask you if that rash has gone away yet.
Whispy McWhisperson - Usually Whispy is a girl who, for whatever reason, knows the answer to a question in class, but doesn’t want to say it at regular volume. This basically says, “I know the answer, and I’d like those around me to know I know the answer, but I just don’t have the courage/energy/confidence to commit this answer to my vocal cords.” I’ve found that if you taze Whispy everytime she tries to answer under her breath, she eventually stops. Well, stops moving. Turn that tazer down a notch.
Mouthy McMoutherson - Along with Chewy, this classmate thinks that others enjoy listening to the wonderful sounds that they can make with their mouth. Whether it is chewing loudly, making “tsk” sounds, or clicking their tongues, these people must be stopped at all costs. Normal assault laws do not apply in this case - you can act with impugnity. Suggestion: Use large sticks.
Breathey McBreatherson - Yes, we know you can breathe. And really, you’re quite good at it. We just don’t want to hear EVERY FREAKING ONE of your breaths. Clear your sinuses, close your mouth, and we’ll all get along just fine. (WARNING: Breathey may morph into Sniffy if he manages to clear his sinuses, but they start running. Hold on to your pen if you don’t want it to become a casualty of Sniffy’s nasal vortex.)
There you have it. I’ve given you an update, and reminded you why your blood pressure skyrockets around other people. You’re welcome.
ANON1 responds:
Posted: January 15th, 2008 at 12:34 pm →
The nose people are the best; they snort constantly during a test or final exam. I almost had a nervous breakdown in college from this. Hope all is well.
jaybird responds:
Posted: January 15th, 2008 at 3:31 pm →
Glad to see you at Foremost again, and that you have a steady job, too!
I have been guilty of being Clicky McClickerson myself many times. I apologize. I won’t ever do it again because I know how pissed you get over it know…
Beth responds:
Posted: January 15th, 2008 at 10:18 pm →
Ahhh, there’s my partner in crime…..I missed you, girl!
I’ve encountered some of these people in the library (did you know I got promoted up two levels and I’m HEY LIBRARY LADY! in the kids’ room now?) along with CellPhoneSally who CANNOT be away from the (I&(*%^(*% thing for a second and yet never has a single word of importance to reply when she recieves yet another call no matter how many signs we have up asking cell phones to be turned OFF. There’s also PornoPete who is forever trying to see if he can look at forbidden pages, and I relish my new authority that allows me to put a 30 day block on his perverted little butt…although tonight it was PornoPatty…yeah…she was looking at lesbian porn….I’m still recovering…
You’re gonna kick butt in this job, just as you do wherever you go.
Love you a bunch!
dmarks responds:
Posted: January 18th, 2008 at 2:56 pm →
This sounds better than Dilbert… In fact, you should take over that strip. But please keep Dead Horse: unlike the other characters who have been beaten to death, he’s kind of fresh.
minijonb responds:
Posted: January 18th, 2008 at 3:15 pm →
i own a pen that Clicky McClickerson once used… note the past tense in that sentence… Clicky can’t use his fingers very well anymore…
=:-)
congrats on the new job!
Kelly bo belly responds:
Posted: January 18th, 2008 at 4:30 pm →
I am, unfortunately, Whispy McWhisperson.
I know, I suck.
But it’s true:)
Love ya!
Brett responds:
Posted: January 22nd, 2008 at 5:34 am →
How ironic…I just applied at Foremost a few days ago - I think it was some kind of customer service thing - I had an interview there before so hopefully they’ll call me.
Put a good word in will ya?!
Brett responds:
Posted: January 22nd, 2008 at 5:35 am →
by the way - remember when we were in my car driving around in raleigh and you were belting out dolphin noises?
I just thought of that and it made me laugh my ass off really hard.
Now I have to go so I can patch it back on me…
Jamie responds:
Posted: January 24th, 2008 at 3:17 pm →
What about Clippy McClipperson? You know, the one who insists that it is entirely appropriate to clip your toe/fingernails no matter what your location and fires even dirtier looks your way when your dirty glances are spotted as he lifts his head to survey who is paying attention to his grotesque habit. Maybe you have not encountered Clippy in class, but surely his cubicle will be within hearing range once you are in the office.
dmarks responds:
Posted: January 25th, 2008 at 1:34 pm →
And don’t forget Joe Burntcaraffe. The guy in the office who hates to ever clean the coffeepot or make new coffee. So when he pours himself the last cup from the pot, he leaves less than a cup in the bottom of the pot instead of emptying the pot. This gets him off the hook for either of the “out of coffee” situations.
He also leaves the coffee-maker on, so the little bit of coffee quickly dries out and starts to burn in the bottom of the pot
Gerald responds:
Posted: January 31st, 2008 at 11:46 am →
What about Bloggy McBloggerson - that person who spends company computer time reading and responding to other people’s blogs?
Chelseaaaa responds:
Posted: February 7th, 2008 at 10:53 pm →
Hey you smelly pirate hooker!!!!
This is classsssic and I absolutely love it!!!!
I shall now tag a few of them–
Whispy McWhisperson - MARGIE!!!! Speak the frick up when you’re saying something, grow some balls for God sakes!!!
Clicky McClickerson - Papa Ron.. stop that shit already I can’t handleeee it!!! I am going to go apppeee shiitt!!!!
I have a few more too —
Susie Stuckup - Tries to play the I’m the greatest person in the world and I have a whole cart load of orphans at home. But you KNOW they’re a stuck up little snot… and you see right through it..
Roger Right — This is applicable to male/female… it is the D type creepy Carl.. who has to be right.. or else. I can relate, but gosh, put your Star Wars toys down for two seconds and shut up!!!
Alright Playtah… that’s all for now.. see you tomorrow in Hell… I’m the greeter.