The Nuts Are Running The Squirrel House

Many people experience unpleasant things in life because they apparently have no close friends to sit them down and give them honest advice or challenge their thinking. Think of all the celebrity scandals that could have been avoided if Britney Spears, Michael Jackson, or Lindsey Lohan simply had a close friend that would say, “You are starting to act like a trashy alcoholic,” or “You are becoming creepy. Stop.”

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I once saw a ref on TV get the daylights knocked out of him while he was officiating a fight between two blindfolded boxers.

Yes, blindfolded boxers.

I felt sorry for the ref, not because he got his face beat in, but because he obviously has no friends. If he had friends, he would have had a conversation prior to the match that went something like this:

Ref: Hey, I’m reffing a match this Saturday!
Friend: Sweet!
Ref: Yeah, and there’s an exciting twist - the boxers will both be blindfolded!
Friend: Um, blindfolded?
Ref: Yeah!
Friend: And you see no potential downside to this?
Ref: Downside? What do you mean?
Friend: Let me break this down for you. You will be one of three people in a ring. The other two people in the ring will be punching. The same two people will not be able to see. You will be standing near these two people.
Ref: Holy crap. I need to get out of this match. I’m glad we had this talk.

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And what about the people who lived in New Orleans? Didn’t they have friends? Think of how many people in New Orleans could have avoided the Katrina tragedy by talking to a friend prior to moving there.

Joe: Hey, I’m going to move to New Orleans!
Friend: Is that a good idea?
Joe: Yeah, why not?
Friend: You will be living in a city that is both below sea level, and next to the sea.
Joe: Holy Crap. Good point. That’s just a disaster waiting to happen. I’m glad we had this talk.

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The recent California wildfire situation makes me wonder if the affected homeowners have any close friends. Of course, part of me feels bad for these people who have lost their homes and possessions. It truly is a tragedy, and I would not wish it on anyone. The saddest thing, however, is that the victims obviously lacked friends who would have pointed out the obvious risk of living in California, a state which can only be described as Mother Nature’s punching bag.

Joe: Hey, I’m moving out to California! I’m going to build a multi-million dollar home there and live my life in utter peace and safety!
Friend: You’re moving to California to live in utter peace and safety?
Joe: Yeah!
Friend: California?
Joe: Yeah, that’s what I said!
Friend: You’re moving to California, which is prone to floods, landslides, earthquakes, and polution that hangs like giant clouds of poisonous custard.
Joe: We’d be living up in the mountains. That’s safer, right?
Friend: Oh, much safer. I’m sure you’ll be very safe in the mountains, close to the sun and surrounded by dry wood. Yes, yes I’m sure you’ll think back fondly to this decision during the time EACH YEAR when the state inevitably catches on fire.
Joe: Holy crap. I suddenly see that California has a long and consistent history of destructive forces, and that I would be stupid to both live there and express surprise when my house eventually is destroyed. Perhaps I’ll move to one of the other 49 safer states. I’m glad we had this talk.

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What’s my point? Simply this:

1. You are less likely to make a bad decision if you have honest friends.
2. Don’t live in California.
3. Don’t live in New Orleans.
4. Life is much more interesting when friendless refs officiate blindfolded fights.

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 25th, 2007 at 4:33 am and is filed under Have A Laugh, World Events. You can follow responses to this entry through the Comments RSS Feed. Pinging is currently closed.