Because It Worked So Well The First Time
Vice President Cheney will soon have the battery in his pacemaker replaced. I, for one, think that the doctors should use the proven effectiveness of the Administration’s Iraq Approach* to this situation:
1. Make a system so we know when the VP’s health is safe, and when he’s in imminent danger of a [heart] attack. (I’m thinking maybe some sort of scale with colors.)
2. Use a doctor who has never performed a battery change, and refuses to listen to expert doctors’ suggestions. (Bonus points if the doctor has a Southern drawl and has danced with death on account of a pretzel.)
3. Express concern for his heart, then change the battery in a completely different device that has nothing to do with his heart.
4. Declare the procedure a success. (Yay!)
5. Realize the procedure was not a success. (Crap!)
6. Leave the battery in, even though it’s weak, and keep extending its “deployment”.
7. Put a new surge of also-weak batteries in the pacemaker.
8. Encourage the patient to give the new group of also-weak batteries time to work.
9. Watch as the patient slowly dies.
10. Threaten to change his next-door neighbor’s battery.
*This procedure is only recommended to those patients desiring a long, painful, frustrating death. No rich people were harmed in the development of this approach.
Andy responds:
Posted: July 29th, 2007 at 12:30 am →
make sure he has to wait for the shielded upgrade that protects the pacemaker from microwave emissions.
Aria responds:
Posted: August 1st, 2007 at 10:55 am →
OOh Ooh!!! Or we could put a bomb in it! This one time when I was watching alias, Sydney Bristow had to reach in a guys chest to pull out said bomb while her CIA partner drove evasively. Then!! She pulled it out, threw it out the window & it exploded the car giving chase into a million little pieces:) Good times were had by all. I’m sure that bomb in chest guy woke up from his coma going “man, I wish I’d seen that.”
But we wouldn’t have to save Cheney. We could just accidently let him blow up. (maniacle laughter) I’m so going to hell.
Love you!
Brett responds:
Posted: August 7th, 2007 at 12:06 pm →
You also forgot:
Step 11: When the doctor is questioned by the press wondering why the also-weak batteries were leaked in the pacemaker, he answers every question with, “I don’t recall.”
Brett responds:
Posted: August 7th, 2007 at 12:08 pm →
By the way - I had everyone here in the office read it - they laughed their batteries off.
Dale responds:
Posted: September 11th, 2007 at 11:43 am →
Wendy, Wendy, Wendy. When will you ever come back from the dark side? I suppose a better move would be to just sit back and complain that no battery could ever work and so we should just remove the battery no matter what the consequences.
I just hope that when Nancy Pelosi gets her next facelift, that she doesn’t get the same doctors that you recommend for the Vice President. Otherwise it could get ugly.