What’s So Bad About Hell?
Perhaps when planning your vacation, looking for retirement homes, or simply reading up on places you’ve never visited you’ve wondered, What’s so bad about Hell? The pictures don’t look THAT bad…
You aren’t alone in your wonderings. Many people have wondered the same things. I mean, really, if you can get past the unnerving screams of the tortured souls of the damned, you’ll notice that the climate is quite tropical, thought thankfully, a dry heat. (Souls don’t have much moisture, so the burning of them doesn’t sully the air quite as much as you’d think. There’s not even a carbon footprint. Er, soulprint.) In fact, if you do have the nerve to look past the screams and unspeakable terrors, you may enjoy a bit of time on the local beaches (no lakes, just sand, though. So I guess it’s more of a desert.) You don’t even need SPF! (Owing to fact that your skin will probably be ablaze with the napalm-esque heat of your own eternal sins coming home to roost. But I digress.) So really, what is the problem with Hell?
Well, Hell is not exempt from the very thing that makes so many governments and apartments unbearable, and that is, bad management. Hell obviously has a very poor manager over the basic utilities you’d expect in a city, let alone a dark underworld. Hell keeps freezing over. No continuity at all. Hell is supposed to be hot. But look what happens when O.J. doesn’t get convicted: Hell freezes over. Sanjaya makes it to the top 10: Hell freezes over. And even when Hell doesn’t completely freeze over, there can still be a cold day in hell!
And the bats! Always escaping. Flying away, like what they are…bats out of hell. In 1313, bats were actually endangered in Hell, as so many of them had managed to flee their fiery habitat. Luckily, Meatloaf located at least one of them.
And don’t get me started on the public transportation. You’d think someone could find better transport than a handbasket. But no, millions of people are forced to travel in flammable handbaskets around a place known world wide as the Lake of Fire. Not terribly practical, in my opinion. (Wicker whisking the wicked…)
In my opinion, then, visitors to Hell should focus on the more rural parts, staying away from the metropolis, and sticking to the bat exhibits and quaint local gift shops. And do write your congressman. He will be especially concerned about the state of Hell, as it does seem to be the only retirement venue which the government provides. 
laughingattheslut responds:
Posted: July 11th, 2007 at 6:24 am →
You forgot about the weeping and wailing and nashing of teeth.
Do they have enough good dentists there?
Woodsy Al responds:
Posted: July 11th, 2007 at 7:39 am →
I hear that there is a business oppertunity in ice water concessions,(as in people in hell want….) If hell has so much, why can’t they find a furious, spurnned woman there. I still would rather rent a houseboat on Lake Mead for a week.
Andy responds:
Posted: July 11th, 2007 at 10:36 am →
Well, fortunately for the residents of hell, the Cubs haven’t won the World Series. freeze ‘em solid for a millenia or two. And that’s not wailing, that’s the Hell’s radio staion, alternating between Yoko Ono, Slim Whitman, and Axle Rose Unplugged.
jaybird responds:
Posted: July 13th, 2007 at 2:35 pm →
This is the best review I have read of Hell since Dante…