The Nuts Are Running The Squirrel House

(Dedicated to Mielikki)

Throughout history sheep have been portrayed as the picture of innocence - going where they are led and needing protection from the world. In the following paragraphs, you will find two different viewpoints: the goodness of sheep as described by meadowologist Phil DePasteur, and the evilness of sheep as described by me. My sources will be listed below my article. Phil’s sources are not listed, as his religion prohibits so(u)rcery. Let us now examine Phil’s argument.

From The Inherent Goodness of the Ovine Being, by Phil DePasteur

An ancient Mesopotamian proverb advised, “He who cares for his flock cares for his soul; the innocence of his flock spurs him to deeds of justice.” Even ancient civilizations realized the the connection between goodness and sheep, the innocence of lambs, and the revealing power of caring interaction with them.

Sheep are the embodiment of altruism, obeying the shepherd so that their wool and meat might benefit others. In recent years, this altruism has also included charity work, environmental initiatives, and activities to increase awareness of global warming. A special charity for cancer patients, Flocks of Love, was founded in 1990, providing wool to make hairpieces for those undergoing chemotherapy treatments.

We can also not overlook the goodness of the innocence found in sheep. Has such a spirit of trust and non-malevolence been seen anyplace other than that of a child? And we would argue that children are indeed forces of goodness. Can we therefore deny that “sheep-ness” shows many similar traits as “good-ness”?

And now the other side of the issue:

From Seriously? The Paper on Sheep is Due Tomorrow? I Didn’t Think It Was Due Until the End of the Month! What? It IS the End of the Month? Good Grief! Where Did the Time Go? Seriously, I Thought It Was Due Next Week. Hold On. I’ll Give You What I’ve Got So Far. Hey, How’s Your Family? Tell Them I Said “Hi”. OK, the Paper’s Printing Right Now. I Can’t Believe How Fast the Month Went. Crap, Rent’s Due Tomorrow by Wendy Playter

Socrates once said, “No, my name does not rhyme with snow rates. Also, sheep are evil.”* That is enough proof for me of the depraved nature of sheep. But I understand that my more scholarly readers demand firm proof of this assertion. Allow me to share some startling statistics:

From 1998-2002, gun and drug sales among American sheep increased 62%.**
Recent studies have shown that TV character portrayal by sheep have been a factor in at least 14 fatal assaults, and 10 armed robberies.***
Psychologists have cautioned that critical thinking skills among sheep aged 1-5 years have dropped to the lowest level since 1915.****

The typical sheep’s work ethic also leaves much to be desired, as they spend their days eating, drinking, and waiting for someone to lead them to more food. As many of us already know, sloth leads to boredom, boredom to deviance, and deviance to all sorts of socially destructive behaviors such as drug use, pasture vandalism, public nudity, and sheep orgies. It should also be noted that in the south, such deviance often results in human-sheep relations, often producing offspring called “sheeple”.*****

Perhaps the biggest proof of the innate evil of sheep is found in the uncovering of a global plot to achieve world domination. Government officials in several UN nations recently became aware of documents containing plans to control the earth’s water supplies by having large numbers of sheep “jump into the ocean, soak up lots of water with our wool, and waddle away to a hidden fortress”.****** There were also documents chronicling reasons for past failures to implement this plan, citing, “Yeah, we forgot. They shear us pretty often. Also, we don’t have a hidden fortress.”

I implore the people of the world to exercise great caution around sheep, as studies have shown that they are not simply sources of wool and meat, but are in fact fuzzy units of debauchery, corrupters of children, lazily bent on world domination.*******

Notes:

*I might have made this up. But you can’t prove Socrates DIDN’T say it.
**I definitely made this up.
***Seriously, college would have been a lot easier if I had realized how convincing fake statistics can be.
****Because everyone’s heard of the famous Critical-thinking Sheep Shortage of 1915.
*****OK, that’s a term I didn’t make up. But I used it with a wrong definition, and that’s almost as good.
******Surprisingly, I too had a plan like this once, but with people I don’t like jumping into the water in sweaters. It wasn’t so much a plan for world domination as much as it was a way to get rid of people I don’t like.
*******Everyone should work the term “fuzzy units of debauchery” into a scholarly paper at least once in his/her life.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 8th, 2007 at 9:44 am and is filed under Have A Laugh. You can follow responses to this entry through the Comments RSS Feed. You can leave a response or trackback from your site.