The Nuts Are Running The Squirrel House

Thank you all for your support!!!! I will chronicle my trip for you below, but for those of you who want to know the short version, I didn’t get to audition. There were too many people, and they didn’t have time. They got through around 105 of us. I was 187. But it was a fun trip, and don’t worry–I’m not devastated or anything. It’s just one of those things that happens in life.

And now for the details.

Chapter 1 - Leaving Grand Rapids

I left my apartment around 4:15am on Monday and grabbed breakfast at McDonalds. Then I hit the highway. While still in Michigan, I saw an exit for a town called “Covert”. I thought it ironic that they had a sign.

I left Michigan, went through Indiana, and made it out of Chicago before the 8:00 rush hour. I was on the tollway and had to stop 5 or 6 times for the tollbooths; I paid between 50 cents and $2.60 each time.

Wisconsin provided a long stretch of highway. I stopped twice to rest. There were some beautiful rock formations, which I hadn’t expected. I faithfully stopped for gas, only once letting the needle dip below half a tank.

I have to tell you that I was a little nervous. I still didn’t know what I was going to do for my 2 minute audition. I had written down some ideas and brainstorms, but there were no flashes of brilliance. That is, until one of my rest stops in Wisconsin. As I sat in my car, I had an idea. It was for a bit based around a voice I do. If you’ve heard me perform before, it’s my “demon” voice. I was thinking of doing a bit about how if you can fake demon possession, you’ve got it made. It included a bit about disciplining your kids with that voice. I felt better after the idea hit. At least I had a starting point.

Chapter 2 - One Star Too Many

I arrived at the hotel around 2 or 2:30 pm. It took a little driving around to find it, but I finally did. It was right in the heart of Minneapolis. I checked in, and went up to my room. The hotel was a Ramada, and although it was listed as 2 stars, I thought it would be pretty nice.

Two stars turned out to be a bit generous. It was over 70 degrees outside, and my room was warm. I messed with the thermostat a little, but no air conditioning came on. I found out that they don’t turn the air conditioning on until April. Great. The maintenance guy suggested that I could open the window. I tried, and the frame started coming apart. Yay for quality. I left the window closed. The heat coming in was worse than the heat already in the room, anyway.

That night, I wanted to take a bath and work on my routine. The bathwater only made it a little past lukewarm. I comforted myself by saying that even this hotel room was better than what 70% of the world’s population lived in. But I really did want a hot bath.

I stressed and worried about what to do for my routine. The ideas just weren’t coming. Then, I thought of a bit I could do. I wear a purity ring, and sometimes I joke that I’m “dating Jesus”. I worked up a bit based on the premise that it’s interesting dating Jesus.

“Jesus doesn’t know how to French kiss. He’s from Israel, so he only knows how to Middle East kiss. It involves a lot of yelling, and arguing over whose mouth is whose. It usually ends in hurt feelings and sanctions.”

Chapter 3 - A Sign?

I woke up around 4am and got ready. At 5:15, I left the hotel and started walking to the comedy club, which was about 1.2 miles away. It was dark, but I’d been told that it would be OK for me to walk the streets at that time. And it was.

I had a kind of cool moment as I walked. I’ve been listening to a Liza Minnelli CD lately, and there’s a song she sings that I love: “Some People” from the Broadway show Gypsy. It kind of reminds me of my own quest for a performance career. Here are some of the lyrics:

Some people can get a thrill knitting sweaters and sitting still
That’s OK for some people who don’t know they’re alive
Some people can thrive and bloom living life in a living room
That’s perfect for some people of one-hundred and five

But I at least gotta try
When I think of all the sights that I gotta see and all the places I gotta play
All the things that I gotta be at, c’mon papa, whaddaya say?

Some people can be content playin’ bingo and payin’ rent
That’s livin’ for some people, for some hum-drum people to be
But some people ain’t me

I had a dream, a wonderful dream, papa
All about June in the Orpheum circuit
Gimme a chance, I know I can work it
Oh, what a dream! And it was just as real as can be, papa–just listen to me!
There I was in Mr. Orpheum’s office, and he was sayin’ to me
Rose! Get yourself some new orchestrations, new routines and red velvet curtains
Get a feathered hat for the baby, photograph in front of the theater
Get an agent and in jig-time, you’ll be being booked in the big time

I love that song, and on my way to the audition, I walked right by an Orpheum theater.

Chapter 4 - Lists and Lines

There was a line outside the Acme Comedy Club. I was told there was a “list” to sign, so found the guy with the list and signed my name. I was number 187.

I got in line and stood by a lady named Lisa. She was number 188. Lisa was shorter than I was (isn’t everyone?), probably in her 30’s, and very nice. We talked saved each other’s spot in line for a bathroom/coffee break. It was so cold out.

I should say something about the list at this point. The list was for the order of auditions, but it was not started by NBC. Apparently, “The List” had been started by some comics that were in line the previous evening. The guy who had the list was #4. (How convenient.) I didn’t know there was a list. Some people had signed their names the night before. Had I known there was a list, I would have signed it.

Later that morning, they had us line up according to our number on the list. I was in line by Lisa, Dale (a motorcycle-looking guy who was very nice), Tim (Dale’s friend who was not auditioning), a guy named Herb (who turned EVERYTHING into a sex joke), Corby (who lent me his soccer ball blanket–bless you!), and a guy around my age who was dressed in a tweed suit and bowler hat.

Eventually the judges walked by, and I got to shake hands with one of them: Alonzo Bodden, the winner from a previous Last Comic Standing season.

Later that morning we were told that the first 100 people would be given paperwork to fill out. NBC was OK with going in order by The List, so that became official. Presumably, they’d give others paperwork as the day wore on.

The day did wear on, and I didn’t get any paperwork. One of the workers (a producer maybe?) came out several times to let us know what was going on. Eventually we found out that they would be able to see the first 100 people, and maybe 25 after that. Many people left. I stuck around. Even though I was #187, I wasn’t leaving until the end. Maybe I could work my way in somehow.

I met another lady, Jan Donahue. She was really nice. Her husband is a soldier in Iraq, and just had his tour extended. Jan does military-based comedy. You can check out her website here.

All in all, I waited in line for over 12 hours. Near the end, it rained a little. Finally, everyone with paperwork who was there had gone, and there was no more time. We were dismissed. I was disappointed, but I’d had time to come to grips with that while I waited. I was actually relieved, too. Although I certainly would have auditioned, it saved me the stress. It was over. I’d done all I could do, and right now, I just wanted to go take a nap.

I left the comedy club and stopped at a store to get some food and pop. Thanks to conservative water use and probably a little dehydration, I hadn’t peed in 13 hours.

Chapter 5 - Another Sign?

As I walked through the city back to my hotel room, I turned and looked at the sky between two buildings. There was a rainbow. Not a full one, just a little sliver. A rainbow’s version of a 2 minute audition.

Chapter 6 - Leaving Minneapolis

I fell into bed and slept a solid 12 hours. The next day I checked out of my hotel room and got in my car. Before I’d left Michigan, I’d printed out directions TO Minneapolis, but not back to Michigan. Because of that, I didn’t have exact directions on how to get back to the highway. No problem, I’d just drive around until I found it. As I was driving around, I saw a homeless man on the corner. He was an older gentleman with a cane. The first time I went by him, I wasn’t close enough. I circled back and rolled down my window. I gave him $15 and my umbrella. I thought that was cool that I got the chance to do that.

I found the highway and headed home. I listened to the audio version of “The Lost Painting” pretty much all the way home. (Good book, by the way.) I stopped only for gas/pop/food and once to take a nap.

I drove by Covert, MI, again noting the irony of the sign, and finally got back home around 11:30pm.

Chapter 7 - Was It Worth It?

Yes. Even though I didn’t get to audition, I got to prove to myself and others that I was serious about comedy. I proved that I can drive through Chicago and Minneapolis by myself. I can walk the streets of Minneapolis by myself in the dark. I can book a hotel and do an 11-hour road trip by myself.

I met some fun people. I learned a little bit about them. I shared a blanket with a biker and a guy with teeth missing. And I heard every male anatomy and sex joke known to man.

Thank you again to everyone who encouraged and supported me. It means a lot to me, and although I didn’t come back with better news, it WAS a good trip, and hey - that’s 3 days I didn’t have to go to work!

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 29th, 2007 at 10:32 am and is filed under General. You can follow responses to this entry through the Comments RSS Feed. You can leave a response or trackback from your site.