That’s a Bunch of Croc
For those of you who were worried about its extinction, take heart from this cnn.com article: “American crocodile back from the brink.”
I, for one, am glad the American crocodiles are making a comeback. I was so sick of those Canadian crocodiles with their syrup and tuques. Besides, people in Florida were running out of messy ways to die. Until now, the list had dwindled to being crushed on the Matterhorn at Disneyworld or getting hit by a golf cart in a senior gated community. I’m comforted to know that if I go to Florida again, I now have a better chance of experiencing death at the jaws of an angry mini-dinosaur. I was worried that opportunity would pass me by.
Actually, I don’t like crocodiles or alligators. The soul-less eyes, sharp teeth, and tendency toward vicious chomping tend to drive me away. Yes, I know that they don’t usually attack humans, but these are American crocodiles. They are wild and crazy. You never know what they’ll do if their hungry or think you have WMDs.
I must admit, though, that crocs have their uses. If I were God, I wouldn’t have angels. I’d have winged crocs. No cherub-faced messengers here. My crocs would be designed to elicit immediate obedience by striking fear into the hearts of those they visited. They would also have rough Brooklyn accents. This is how the announcement to Mary would have gone:
Crocangel appears.
Mary: Ahhhhhhhhhh!
Crocangel: Don’t be afraid.
Mary: But you’re a crocodile!…And an angel!
Crocangel: True. Ok, be a little afraid. I am scary.
Crocangel snaps jaws.
Mary: Sweet mother of God!
Crocangel: That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about. You’ve found favor with God, and will have his Son. Oh, and Bruce was delicious.
Mary: What?!
Crocangel: You’re going to give birth to God’s son.
Mary: No, I mean about Bruce.
Crocangel: Oh, I ate him.
Mary: Ate him? I was betrothed to him!
Crocangel: There’s more fish in the sea. You’ll get over him. Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. But seriously, he was delicious.
Mary: I’m going to be a single mother!
Crocangel: Nah, there’s a guy down the road named Joseph. You two can be trothed.
Mary: He’s already betrothed. To Connie.
Crocangel: I ate her after Bruce. See? This worked itself out. Alright, I gotta go. Just remember what I told you.
Mary: About Bruce?
Crocangel: No, about carrying the Son of God. Try not to bring eternal damnation on everyone by being a bad parent. Bye!
Crocangel leaves.
Mary: Connie was a wench anyway.
Andy responds:
Posted: March 21st, 2007 at 11:35 am →
It would explain the ‘fearnot” every time one appeared, the traditional cherub just isn’t very scary.
Good news about the croc, now if we could only get bobcats, mountain lions, an bipartisan politics off the endagered list we got something going.
dmarks responds:
Posted: March 21st, 2007 at 12:22 pm →
” The soul-less eyes, sharp teeth, and tendency toward vicious chomping tend to drive me away”
I take it that you really aren’t a fan of Ann Coulter, are you?
Rachel responds:
Posted: March 21st, 2007 at 12:27 pm →
I thought the post was great but when I read dmarks comment I cackled (yes cackled) out loud.
ANON1 responds:
Posted: March 21st, 2007 at 1:58 pm →
Deleted by Playtah, who loves her friends and blog friends.
David in DC responds:
Posted: March 21st, 2007 at 3:38 pm →
Speaking of the birth of Jesus:
Why didn’t the Christmas story take place on Capitol Hill?
They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.
Andy responds:
Posted: March 22nd, 2007 at 2:13 am →
probably harder to find the wise men these days. I miss the old tar and feather days sometimes. Tarred, feathered and run out of town on a rail….Then feed ‘em to the ‘gators. The only question is do we start with the politicians or the lobbyists?
Beth responds:
Posted: March 22nd, 2007 at 6:26 am →
Nah, we start with ANON!
ANON1 responds:
Posted: March 22nd, 2007 at 7:33 am →
Deleted by Playtah, who loves her friends and blog friends.
Andy responds:
Posted: March 22nd, 2007 at 12:04 pm →
Anon - drinking your own bathwater again i see. I got some kool-aid for you if you’re interested. Guyana-berry flavor.
ANON1 responds:
Posted: March 22nd, 2007 at 12:33 pm →
Deleted by Playtah, who loves her friends and blog friends.
ANON1 responds:
Posted: March 22nd, 2007 at 1:17 pm →
Deleted by Playtah, who loves her friends and blog friends.
Dennis responds:
Posted: March 22nd, 2007 at 2:52 pm →
Playtah sometimes your sense of humor eludes me but that is okay. Just because I don’t think that joke is all that funny does not mean that I have to attempt to degrade you. I still think most of what you say is funny even with the pills.
ANON1 responds:
Posted: March 22nd, 2007 at 3:29 pm →
Deleted by Playtah, who loves her friends and blog friends.
laughingattheslut responds:
Posted: March 22nd, 2007 at 3:36 pm →
Damn. We were going to tar and feather people, and I missed it.
Three guesses who I wanted to tar and feather.
Wonder if Anon could pass the GED?
And where does Andy work at Burger King? I’m hungry.
Dennis responds:
Posted: March 22nd, 2007 at 3:36 pm →
Yeah, the mental pygmy strikes again. I hurt and need to run and hide.
Beth responds:
Posted: March 22nd, 2007 at 3:38 pm →
Wenders! Cleanup on Aisle Four!
laughingattheslut responds:
Posted: March 22nd, 2007 at 3:43 pm →
Where is Dennis anyway?
yougiveanonymousabadname responds:
Posted: March 22nd, 2007 at 5:02 pm →
Alas, he gave being anonymous a bad name.
Dennis responds:
Posted: March 23rd, 2007 at 9:31 am →
I am in MI.