I Hab, You Hab, We All Hab for Rehab
In thinking of my future and my career hopes, I realize that I have not planned for a very important issue. If I do become a famous performer, at some point I need to go to rehab. All the cool celebrities do it. It’s very fashionable.
The thing is, drug and alcohol rehab are so last year. The current trend seems to be “rehab” for predjudice–counseling, meeting with leaders of the offended group, etc. The problem is, I don’t want to insult my friends. I have black friends, white friends, straight friends, gay friends, young friends, old friends, Republican friends, Democratic friends, etc. That leaves me with only one group to develop a predjudice against: naked alien werewolves.
However, there’s some work to do before I get famous and go to rehab for making inappropriate naked alien werewolf slurs. First, I have to blog something insulting right now. That way, when I’m famous and make my predjudicial comments, reporters can dig into my past and say, “See? She has a pattern of this type of behavior against naked alien werewolves!” (This will also be a good resource for the tell-all book that my chauffeur will undoubtedly write.)
Secondly, I need to have an excuse ready as to why I would say such things. Mel Gibson could blame his comments on being drunk. Michael Richards could blame his comments on being angry. I plan on blaming my “predjudice” on hallucinogenic mushrooms and childhood abuse by a caretaker who turned out to be a naked alien werewolf. That should cover my bases and get me some sympathy.
I suppose I should get started with the first item–the insults. So without further ado, to all you naked alien werewolves out there:
You are responsible for all the wars in the world. 50 years ago we would have had you in a cryogenic tank with a pair of forceps up your bum. You know what you call 1,000 naked alien werewolves at the bottom of the ocean? A good start. Naked alien werewolves are the reason our country is struggling. Naked alien werewolves don’t deserve rights. Grey’s Anatomy is too good for naked alien werewolves.
There. Now I just need to get famous.
David in DC responds:
Posted: January 25th, 2007 at 3:12 pm →
Rehab is for Quitters.
laughingattheslut responds:
Posted: January 25th, 2007 at 3:50 pm →
So, do you read Laurell K. Hamilton?
Naked werewolves are people too. Just some of them have really big *****
Oh, wait. You said alien naked werewolves. These guys aren’t alien at all, just from an alternate history.
My bad.
Andy responds:
Posted: January 26th, 2007 at 2:44 am →
I’m old-school, so I’d personally go on a Wild West opium bender. No one would see that one coming.
And everyone knows alien werewolves are third rate at best. I’d hire drunken monkeys first.
Gracie responds:
Posted: January 26th, 2007 at 11:30 am →
But but but….’GET famous’??? You mean you aren’t, already?
Sigh.
Another idol bites the dust.
basic theology responds:
Posted: January 26th, 2007 at 7:59 pm →
you should move to canada. it’s easy to become famous here.
Arnold D'Souza responds:
Posted: January 28th, 2007 at 2:30 am →
I am officially offended. You shall be hearing from my lawyers soon!
Bah! STUPID NAKED-ALIEN-WEREWOLF-HATER!! I HOPE YOU CHOKE!!