The State of the Union
I watched the State of the Union address last night. It was interesting to watch the people there. Nancy Pelosi looked cautious. Vice President Cheney looked like he wanted to crush puppies and eat hoagies. Condi Rice looked like she wasn’t getting enough fiber in her diet. Hillary Clinton’s eyes dug shallow graves for President Bush. Barack Obama sat in front of Hillary, his ears flapping quietly in the wind.
I decided that if I ever attend a State of the Union Address, I will fake having a broken leg and a broken arm. That way I won’t have to stand and clap ALL THE FREAKING TIME. In the 49 minute speech, there were 62 rounds of applause. Unless a speech announces a cure for cancer, the capture of Osama bin Laden, AND the discovery of Amelia Earhart’s plane, that much applause seems excessive. And some of the applause was for the stupidest things. There was applause after President Bush announced that we need to balance the budget. Gee, you think? That’s like getting a standing ovation for saying, “We need to drink water!” Why yes, yes we do. That’s called ‘doing sensible things to stay alive’, not ‘revolutionary ideas that warrant clapping’. But, in case I ever get elected President, I have written the first few minutes of my State of the Union Speech, based on last night and designed for maximum applause:
“My fellow Americans. (Pause for clapping.) This is the greatest nation in the world. (Pause for more clapping, and a standing ovation.) Butterflies. (Clapping.) Flowers, Jesus, sparkles. (More clapping.) Rainbows, bunnies. (Clapping.) Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes. (Ovation.) Incense and peppermints. (Clapping.) Yellow moons. Green clovers. Blue diamonds. Purple horseshoes.” (Thunderous applause.)
I’ve also learned that if you have bad news, you sandwich it between two things that people can’t possibly disagree with. For instance, this is a condensed example from last night:
“WE NEED TO MAKE SURE OUR CHILDREN GET A GOOD EDUCATION. WE NEED TO BALANCE THE BUDGET. WE NEED TO REDUCE OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL. i want to send 20,000 troops to iraq in spite of overwhelming advice not to. WE NEED TO HELP IN THE FIGHT AGAINST HIV/AIDS. THE SUBWAY HERO IS SITTING UP THERE IN THE BALCONY. TERRORISM IS BAD.”
It was also interesting to see who stood and clapped for certain things President Bush said, and who remained seated. When the cameras panned the chamber, there were times when the Republican side was standing and clapping, along with a few of the Democrats. I wonder if those Democrats are going to get flak today.
“Dude, I totally saw you stand and clap for the No Child Left Behind law.” (What? I’m sure some junior senators say “dude” and “totally”.)
“No way, uh, my butt fell asleep and I stood up, and there was this giant swarm of gnats right where I stood up and I was swatting and smashing them…”
“Yeah, right. You’re out of our carpool.”
I do have a suggestion for the next State of the Union Address. Nancy Pelosi started the address by hitting a gavel on the table. Maybe next time she could use the gavel like a Super Mario Koopa Ninja throwing hammer at the Democrats who stand and clap at the wrong time. Now that’s a State of the Union Address.
Moonbeam responds:
Posted: January 24th, 2007 at 1:17 pm →
I agree with you. You saw things as I did. Condi looked possessed and ready to put a hex on Bush. I think for the next SOTU they should install those handicapped kind of seats where you push a button and the seat puts you into a standing position. Sure would get a lot of use and less wear and tear on those hineys.
Gracie responds:
Posted: January 24th, 2007 at 1:30 pm →
All RIGHT! now YOURS is a SOTU I would watch, start to finish. As for the Idiot in Chief, he just makes me want to smash my television, and Grizzy frowns on that….and then, of course, the language he inspires from my usually sweet mouth is probably not good for children and growing things….
Rachel responds:
Posted: January 24th, 2007 at 1:50 pm →
I watched the SOTU and within 10 minutes had guessed that there was a new writer. Even though it was subdued I thought it was MUCH better than any other one that Bloody George had read off his teleprompter.
I would like to see you do a parody of what it would have sounded like if Bloody George had written it himself.
That would be Hi-Larious.
Andy responds:
Posted: January 24th, 2007 at 3:34 pm →
I was waiting to see if the speaker’s eyes were going to roll clean out of her head. And I don’t know if it’s just me, but Bush seemed to be poking Iran with a sharp stick at every opportunity. It’s like he’s hoping they do something overtly stupid so he can try kick their ass too, and then screw it up halfway thru (I picture Charlie Brown, only Lucy is holding the country of Iran.)
I hope he’s serious about the balanced budget, because if there’s one thing I’m certain of, I’m a fiscal conservative. wise spending and a balanced federal system. That is one of the main things that I am truly upset about with the Rebublicans and why I’m not angry that they lost horribly in the last election.
Also, the environmental issues. Is Congress actually going to move forward in this department in lowering emissions? And if so, will the president sign that legislation? I already drive a hybrid vehicle, and I love the outdoors. I don’t like having to slice my air and chew it. I’ll belive it when I see it.
The three big headbutt debates (and we should get WWE ring announcers to do C-Span when these topics are brought up in Congress) Iraq, Health Care, Immigration. This should be an interesting session at the very least.
basic theology responds:
Posted: January 24th, 2007 at 5:25 pm →
i didn’t watch the state of the union because i’m canadian. however, i did get to experience it polluting all of my regularly scheduled programming, so, i had to watch full house instead.
thanks a lot, jerk.
IraqiGeek responds:
Posted: January 25th, 2007 at 8:15 pm →
Oh my god, your post was hilarious. Had a really good laugh!
But more seriously, I don’t think you guys have much option now than to wait and see if Bush’s “new way forward” works. I know we (the iraqi people) don’t have any options at all but to cross our fingers and hope this time it works out.
Playtah responds:
Posted: January 26th, 2007 at 8:57 am →
Moonbeam - Welcome! Good idea. They should also have some sort of clapping device.
Gracie - I hear ya! Maybe if we start a petition, I could give the next state of the union address.
Rachel - “Bloody George.” Good name. Parodies are good times.
Andy - What a great visual, with Charlie Brown and Lucy! You make some good points. And I love that you drive a hybrid. If I could have afforded it, I might have gotten one when I got my new car.
basic theology - You had to watch Full House? I’m so sorry.
IraqiGeek - I’m glad you enjoyed it! You may be right - it looks like President Bush is set on his plan. I hope it works out for you. Are you in a relatively safe place as far as personal safety?