An Open Letter To American Idol Auditioners
Dear American Idol auditioners,
Where should I begin? First off, I should probably thank you for making the premier of this season so entertaining. It ranks right up there with that Japanese show where people dressed as waffles try to jump on butter pats across a pond.
That being said, I would like to point out that being entertaining is not the same thing as being talented. In fact, it is entertaining because you are NOT talented. But, at the risk of losing some of the embarrassing episodes I so enjoy, I would like to offer you a few suggestions. For next year, of course.
1. When you are asked why you think you should be the next American Idol, don’t spout off something about music being your passion. Music is EVERYBODY’S passion. OK, not everybody, but music is such a common interest among humans that saying, “I love music!” is akin to saying, “I breathe air!” Of course you love music. 99% of Americans love music. The other 1% are deaf or program computers. Think up a more original answer. Perhaps, “I should be the next American Idol because I have a belly like Buddha’s. And he’s an idol. Also, I’m American.”
2. Before you go to an audition, tape yourself singing. Then watch it. If you still think you sound ok, show the tape to someone who hates you. If they say you sing pretty good, go to the audition. Otherwise, stay home and finish that novel you’ve been working on.
3. When you go to the audition, don’t dress like a whore.
4. Also, when you go to the audition, don’t dress up in a costume. Any apparel involving a draped American flag, livestock, leggings, fishnet, goth, pants rising above your navel, or any type of concert tee should be left at home. And perhaps burned.
5. Just sing. Don’t try to juggle, dance, beatbox, or make brownies.
6. Under no circumstances should you EVER reveal that you teach voice lessons, take voice lessons, or have a major in…music. This will raise expectations from the judges and the television audience, and chances are, you won’t deliver. If you happen to teach voice lessons and you decide to audition, there are a few things you should know: a) If 1,000 people audition, and 10 people of those 1,000 make it through to the next round, that’s a .1% success rate. That’s not a high probability. You will most likely lose. b) No one wants to take voice lessons from a loser.
7. If you’re going to get on TV and give us a sob story about how hard your life has been, under no circumstances should you start your story by saying, “I was a crack baby.” I’m sorry your life is hard, but starting your story like that is so cliche’ that although it’s true, it becomes laughable to the viewer. Instead, try a more original opening, such as, “I was born a hermaphrodite.”
8. When being interviewed by Ryan Seacrest before your audition, don’t mention that you’re auditioning because your family/friends/co-workers told you you could sing. (Your family also told you that your 3rd grade macaroni wreath was wonderful. Your friends won’t dis you, because you’re paying for pizza next weekend. Your co-workers just like to see you suffer.) It’s kind of like the guy who brags about being good with women. Brag all you want…everyone knows you have herpes and no social skills.
9. If you think you sound like someone famous, don’t audition. They want originals, not cheap knock-offs. Also, you are probably the only one who thinks you sound like that celebrity.
10. DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOB TO AUDITION. We’ve already established that the .1% success rates mean that you won’t make it to the next round unless the Very Hand of God nudges you there. Quitting your job to audition for American Idol means that you now need a job.
11. If you seriously want to start a music career, don’t do it on American Idol. Being on American Idol is -2 points against your street-cred score.
I know that I’ve reached you too late for season 6. But if you think you may audition for season 7, take the above into account. And then don’t audition.
Sincerely,
Playtah
deb responds:
Posted: January 18th, 2007 at 2:51 pm →
I haven’t watched AI for the last few seasons but was fortunate (?) enough to catch the show last night. I seriously think your letter is very appropriate and should be part of the pre-audition information.
The show was entertaining.
Your letter was entertaining.
I am thoroughly entertained for the day.
I can go to sleep now.
Thanks.
Bev responds:
Posted: January 18th, 2007 at 3:56 pm →
I truely couldn’t have said it any better myself. I think you forgot the part about being suprised by Simon being a Jerk. There is nothing to be shocked by. He says the first thing that remotely makes a complete thought.
Rachel responds:
Posted: January 18th, 2007 at 5:03 pm →
If 10 people out of 1000 make it wouldn’t that be a 1% success rate? My math may be off though.
I hear all the time that people think that I am a great singer. I am decent but nowhere near the caliber required to make it on this show.
It also doesn’t help that I am too old to try out anyway.
Andy responds:
Posted: January 18th, 2007 at 6:08 pm →
Last and not least: If you bomb at American Idol, audition for the Japanese game shows. They love you ridiculous posers. and you’ll get picked up in syndication!
George responds:
Posted: January 18th, 2007 at 9:18 pm →
I could not agree more… Finally someone speaking with common sense. It was entertaining at first but it got old fast.