Idol Season Begins
Yes, it’s that time again. The time to have a seat on your comfy couch, sit back, and feel good about yourself as you watch America’s population of tonedeaf optimists embarrass themselves on national television. Yes, it’s American Idol time.
I am convinced that 80% of the people who audition for American Idol have no friends. 80% of the singers that audition produce sounds comparable to a sick goose stuck in a laundry wringer. What surprises me is not that they have such horrible voices. What surprises me is that they apparently don’t have friends that will tell them, “Look, man. I think you’re a great person, and you have many talents. However, singing is not one of them. When you sing, I want to stab my eardrums with a letter opener to make the noise stop. The chance of you qualifying to go to the next round is smaller than Simon Cowell’s heart. Smaller than our patience for a whole season of Randy’s “Yeah, dawg”s. Smaller than Paula’s periods of sobriety. You will shame your family and eliminate any possibility of someday finding a mate. I beseech you, do not sully the air with your painful renditions of “Unchained Melody” and feeble attempts at rapping.”
If only such friends existed for those 80%! But no. Instead, we get 5 minutes of actual good singers, and 55 minutes of rock-stars-in-their-own-mind who brag about their vocal prowess and “inevitable” success, then deal with the rejection everyone else saw coming by crying, swearing, and declaring that 3 people who have spent many years in the industry “don’t know what they’re talking about.”
The sad thing is, it’s SO entertaining!
Brett responds:
Posted: January 15th, 2007 at 6:44 pm →
Ah yes…American Idol. I have such a love-hate-hate relationship with that show.
I love it because it gives me a chance to laugh at all of the people who are starving for fame and act like they have all of that and a bag of funions…but it’s more like none of that and a bag of pork rinds.
And the girls gettin all ghetto (yes, even the caucasian ones) saying “oh NUH UH (insert hand flip) NUH UH WHATEVA (insert hand flip), I am the GREATEST eva…these 3 can go eff themselves because I know what it takes to be a DIIVAAAAAAAH (insert finger snap and dramatic exit out the door).
And then you usually get the occasional gay guy telling simon on camera that he can suck an object (whatever they come up with at the time), and then bawl and run away.
But then I hate the show after all that because it just looks so fake the way everything is so commercialized and they have to draaaaaaaag the show on for months and run 50,000 commercials during it’s total air time for the season.
And what happens to these people that win? We only know about Kelly…and Ruben for about 2 seconds…and I know Carrie is doing good…and Taylor? Who? Did they come out with CD’s? Did they do anything? What the eff?
End rant.
Andy responds:
Posted: January 15th, 2007 at 7:31 pm →
I’d rather just sit back and watch Ghostbusters for the 2,371st time.
Gouging my eyes with hit pokers also ranks above watching american idol. My ears fortunately don’t even register the sounds coming from some of those people (although my parents dog almost ran through the storm door during one unfortunate channel surfing incident.)
Rachel responds:
Posted: January 15th, 2007 at 10:38 pm →
It never ceases to amaze me when people tell me that I should try out for American Idol. I will admit that I am a decent-good singer, but there is NO WAY that I am of the caliber of someone who should actually be on the show.
Besides the fact that I am 33 and can’t even try out I can’t for the life of me figure out why people think that I am good enough for that.
I like to sing but I know what my limit is. I MIGHT have been able to make it as a lounge singer on a cruise ship.