You’ve Probably Never Wondered This
Let’s say you come home from work and your neighborhood has been destroyed by hail. Let’s also say that whatever is left is now being eaten by ravenous locusts. As you watch your neighbor being carried off by an industrious cadre of hungry insects, you would probably be wondering, Is this a plague, or just a really bad day?
Certain events throughout history have carried the title of “plague”, but what is it that bumps a catastrophe up a notch to become a plague? Rest assured that you are not alone in your wondering.
Is it just numbers? (Would 1 million frogs descending on a town be just a bad event, whereas 1.1 million would be a plague?) Does it have anything to do with the percentage of people affected? The amount of destruction? Death toll? FEMA involvement?
I don’t have much experience with plagues, but I think I’ve got some general guidelines to help you know if the catastrophe you experience is a plague, or just a bad day.
Here are some general guidelines for differentiating between a plague and a bad day:
1. There is usally a ticked-off Deity involved in a plague.
Example 1: Killer bees attack a group of people who have just rolled in nectar.
Verdict: Bad day.
Example 2: Killer bees are sent from God to punish people who have just rolled in nectar as part of a ritual to the honey god.
Verdict: Probably a plague.
2. A plague usually involves at least an entire country.
Example 1: Margaret Bealman’s lightbulb burns out.
Verdict: Bad day.
Example 2: The sun is blotted from the sky and Japan becomes a frigid tundra.
Verdict: Probably a plague.
3. Whole food groups or water supplies usually become unusable in a plague.
Example 1: Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
Verdict: Bad day. (Unless you’re on Atkins. Think protein.)
Example 2: One-inch layer of flies covering the Pacific Ocean.
Verdict: Gross, and probably a plague.
4. The course of history is usually drastically changed by a plague.
Example 1: A violent earthquake loosens the earth’s plates, causing millions of Kevin Federline’s CDs to fall into the burning center of the earth.
Verdict: Yay!
Example 2: A violent earthquake loosens the earth’s plates under the Jiffy Pop factory, causing millions of tons of popcorn to fall into the burning center of the earth. After 2 minutes and 50 seconds, North Korea is blown off the face of the earth by the force of popping kernels.
Verdict: Well, I guess that’s still “yay”.
Now back to the example. Are the localized hailstorm and locusts part of a plague? Well, the event only involves your neighborhood, not a country. Your food groups and water supplies are still good. Except for an interesting newspaper article, history is not affected much. However, your neighbor watched CSI: Miami on Monday at 10:00pm instead of watching Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. The Studio 60 god became enraged and struck your neighborhood. So yes, it was a plague. Next time, use TIVO.
Andy responds:
Posted: November 21st, 2006 at 2:21 am →
It’s only a plague if it knocks out my high-speed internet. That’s armageddon baby!
(and it’s only yay if Federline’s cd’s land ON Federline’s head as he falls into the burning center of the earth. And falls on top of Ron Artest.)
elranito responds:
Posted: November 21st, 2006 at 10:55 am →
You should get into advertising and then sell this idea to TIVO. I mean, what is a better selling point than plague prevention? Not much in my opinion!