When Suffrage Brings Suffering
Ah, yes. It’s that time again. Every two years or so, we are bombarded during commercial breaks with ads about how Jane Smith isn’t a good governer/senator/etc. or how John Doe should be re-elected because he has created thousands of jobs. This year happens to be the gubernatorial race in Michigan between Jennifer Granholm and Dick Devos, so for the past several weeks this bombardment has been at full throttle. Every year you think, “Maybe this time the candidates will focus more on positive ads instead of negative attacks.” And every year your Outlook-O-Meter needle points a little farther from “Optimist” and a little closer to “Pessimistic Critical Skeptic”. This year is no different. Around August or Septemeber, you start seeing the ads at regular intervals. Oh sure, they start nice enough.
“Dick Devos will create Michigan jobs.”
“Jennifer Granholm will improve Michigan schools.”
“Dick Devos has a plan to boost the economy.”
“Jennifer Granholm is fighting for your rights.”
But not too long after this, the negativity starts slipping in.
“Dick Devos sent jobs to China. Jennifer Granholm is working to keep jobs here.”
“Jennifer Granholm hasn’t followed through on her plan. Dick Devos will get the job done.”
“Dick Devos approves of measures to reduce your rights. Jennifer Granholm will work to preserve your rights.”
“While Jennifer Granholm was in office, the unemployment rate went up x%. Dick Devos has a plan to cut unemployment.”
Pretty soon, the commercials aren’t saying what the candidates will actually do; they are wholly focused on the downfalls of the other candidate.
“Dick Devos supported the faild policies of the Presidential administration.”
“Jennifer Granholm failed to enact a successful economic plan.”
“Dick Devos is bad for Michigan.”
“Jennifer Granholm isn’t a good leader.”
And now, two weeks from election day, I expect the attacks to really heat up. Perhaps a caustic downward spiral like this:
“Dick Devos will hurt Michigan.”
“Jennifer Granholm will take your money.”
“Dick Devos can’t read.”
“Jennifer Granholm kicks puppies.”
“Dick Devos slapped a nun.”
“Jennifer Granholm hates babies.”
“Dick Devos hit an orphan with his car. Then laughed.”
“Jennifer Granholm once lit a hobo on fire.”
“Dick Devos said that he could beat up Jesus.”
“Jennifer Granholm auctioned her mother on eBay.”
“Dick Devos hates Asian people.”
“Jennifer Granholm eats live bats.”
“Dick Devos killed Santa.”
The above list is probably why no one has ever hired me as a campaign manager. No matter. I know who I’m going to vote for: Granholm. Why not Devos? Well, he might not be the great leader he claims to be. I mean, really…how visionary can a guy be if he knows his first name is “Dick”, and of all the people in Michigan, he chooses a running mate with the last name of “Johnson”? Didn’t think that one through, did we?
Note to Granholm: Let’s see a commercial about that. (Bonus points if the commercial makes a joke about seeing your doctor if your “election” lasts more than 4 hours.)
Faith - FR responds:
Posted: October 24th, 2006 at 11:50 am →
I love you FR! You’re so great. Hey do you listen to GRD’s Free Beer and Hot Wings show? They did an attack ad show the other week…hilarious! anyhoo…you showed up in a dream i had recently…don’t worry, it wasn’t anything bad. actually, i think it was that we were singing a song at Mars Hill that you had written…hahah…random! anyway. hope you’re doing well. love ya, FR
Luke Rumley responds:
Posted: October 24th, 2006 at 11:59 am →
Hahaha - you definitely should be a campaign manager. At least we could all have a laugh at commercial breaks during Lost.
You might want to do a quick find-and-replace on your post for “Granhom” -> “Granholm” (though most of them are correct).
I really appreciate your petty arguments regarding Dick’s name over your real ones that I am sure you will launch at me after this comment:
Don’t you think that our state needs a change? Even if it was some fascist, dictator-type, I would probably vote for them to just see something new happen. It is not that I am so against what Granholm has done as much as what she hasn’t done (”I have a plan…”).
I don’t blame Granholm for our state’s economy; nor do I think Devos should fix it. Big government creating jobs = not good.
Of course, I have moral concerns about Granholm as well, but I tend to lean toward apathy when it comes to who is in office, since I don’t feel the effects of their decisions every day. (an God says that he puts them there for a reason). My vice, I guess.
Luke Rumley responds:
Posted: October 24th, 2006 at 12:01 pm →
*and God
minijonb responds:
Posted: October 24th, 2006 at 12:13 pm →
I’m waiting for the news that Granholm and Devos have had affairs… with each other =;-)
Playtah responds:
Posted: October 24th, 2006 at 12:13 pm →
FR–yeah, I love Free Beer and Hot Wings! (and Zane!) Are you talking about the one where they did attack adds against each other? I only heard one of them, but it was great. And about your dream of us singing a song…that’s just good times right there. Did they take up an offering for us afterward? That’s the way you can tell if a song was REALLY good.
Luke–Thanks for the note about the Granhom -> Granholm thing. I think I fixed them all.
About the governer thing, I really don’t blame people which way they vote this election. I understand if people want a change–that’s cool. I’m just a little leary of Dick Devos because of his association with Amway (which has its shady parts). Also, I think Granholm’s values reflect my own a little more than Devos, but that is just me. Especially in this election, there is things good and bad about each candidate, so I can definitely see both sides. Good point.
minijonb–I’m imagining their lovechild–a mole that sells soap door-to-door. Thanks. Lol.
Rachel responds:
Posted: October 24th, 2006 at 5:24 pm →
Moley, moley, moley.
Luke Rumley responds:
Posted: October 24th, 2006 at 8:54 pm →
True - I have a strong distaste for all things Amway, but would call that the lesser of two evils when compared to embryonic stem cell research or abortion.
Now if Hot Wings were to run for governor…
Erin responds:
Posted: October 24th, 2006 at 10:46 pm →
I read the whole thing to Ken and he looked like he wasn’t paying attention at all until I read the last line about the bonus point for the commercial… And he burst into laughter!
Just though you’d like to know.