The Nuts Are Running The Squirrel House

By now, there should be no celebrity scandals.  Every famous person should know what to do and what not to do to keep their reputation shiny.  However, this is obviously not the case.  Celebrities insist on doing things that bring them negative media attention.  Perhaps what they need is a one-stop list of how to avoid these scandals.  And no one enjoys making lists better than I.  Here you go, celebrities of the world.  Make a note of how to be a scandal-less celebrity:

1. Don’t ever do nude/topless pictures.  Ever.  Even if your friend’s cousin says that it’s just for an art class.

2. Don’t ever videotape anything you wouldn’t want shown on YouTube.com.

3. Let your manager hold and administer all of your pills.  Think of the money you’ll save without those rehab bills.

4. Don’t get drunk in public.

5. If you DO insist on getting drunk in public, make sure you’ve already worked with your therapist to resolve your issues with specific religions or people groups.

6. There WILL be tell-all books written about you by the people you work with, and a few relatives you’ve only seen twice in your life.  Hence, be nice to your staff, and send your Christmas cards out on time.

7. If you struggled with drugs, molestation by a religious figure, racism, etc. when you were younger, reveal that yourself before the media twists it.  For instance, you could say, “I used to struggle with drugs, but I went to rehab, and have now set up a foundation for kids with drug problems.”  That way, you’re a humanitarian, not a substance abuser hiding secrets.

8. Don’t be a whore.

9. Know who your baby’s daddy is before you announce that you’re pregnant.

10. Never get romantically involved with a coworker.  (Especially interns.  And pages.) 

11. Don’t marry another celebrity.  If you are tempted to, save yourself from the media frenzy, rocky romance, and eventual divorce–just give half of your stuff to someone you don’t like.  You’d wind up doing that anyway, but this way you save 5 years.

12. Never find yourself in a room alone with a minor who is not related to you.  (Cuts down on pesky lawsuits later.)

13. Don’t instant message or chat with anyone online.  Just don’t.

14. Always give to charity, but base your giving in proportion to how eccentric you are.  If you are absolutely off-the-wall strange, donate a LOT of money to charity.  People will forgive quirks if they know you are helping orphans.

15. If you join and obscure religion or cult (especially one that involves aliens or destroying furniture), don’t tell anyone about it.

16. Don’t go on ANY reality show.  None.

17. Don’t make a clothing line or perfume named after you.  (That doesn’t involve much scandal, it’s just annoying.)

18. You’re not fat.  Don’t stop eating.  No, really.  You look fine.  I don’t want to see your rib cage.  Eating disorders are SO last year.

19. Don’t wear fur.

20. If you get fan mail that says

OH MY GOSH!  I am, like, your BIGGEST fan!  I have ALL of your [CDs/movies/books]!  I even changed MY name to YOUR name!  I will be at your [concert/premier/book signing] next month!  You HAVE to say hi!  I will be the one with your picture tattooed on my forehead.  PLEASE sign my [body part]!  I’m going to get plastic surgery some day to look JUST LIKE YOU!  Love you!

Do not reply.  This is a stalker.  You may feel flattered, but there is a distinct probability that this person will eventually shoot you.  Of course, if you don’t answer the letter, this person may become angry and shoot you.  I guess you’re on your own with this one.

There you go.  Your one-stop list on how to be a scandal-less celebrity.  Feel free to send me a portion of the money saved by lack of rehab bills and court costs.

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 5th, 2006 at 12:31 pm and is filed under Have A Laugh. You can follow responses to this entry through the Comments RSS Feed. You can leave a response or trackback from your site.