The Nuts Are Running The Squirrel House

I saw a commercial the other day: “Disney is releasing ‘Bambi’!  This digitally remastered film will only be available for a limited time.  Get your copy today, before this movie goes back into the Disney vault!”

After seeing a commercial like this, most people are fine and can go back to watching their shows as if nothing happened.  But I am not most people.  I have certain questions.  And they need to be answered.

First, is this just a get-it-now-or-never marketing scheme, or is there really a physical VAULT that movies are kept in?  Are there many vaults around the country, or is there One Big Vault?  I mean, we really shouldn’t underestimate Disney…if there IS a vault, it’s probably located in a Disney Compound in a remote mountain fortress.  Invisible to the naked eye, this fortress probably sits atop miles of subterranean tunnels, one of which leads to a giant cave.  Inside this cave, I imagine there is a massive vault, guarded by two non-talking Disney characters (who don’t give autographs while on duty), and it probably takes years for a lowly Florida/California Disneyland character to prove himself worthy enough to be invited into the highest eschelon of his industry: The Disney Vault Swiss Guard.  (No, I don’t know why they’d be Swiss.  But it works for the Vatican.)  Inside this vault would be the original reels and copies of EVERY DISNEY FILM EVER MADE.  Oh, the riches.

But if there IS a vault, that brings up another question.  How do they decide which movies to release when?  Do they go by original release date?  By profitability? By a vote from the people? 

Hmm…maybe not.

Anyway…do the movies LIKE being in the vault (think Fortress of Solitude), or is it like prision for them (think Sing Sing and imagine Mickey banging a tin cup on the bars of his cages)?  Do they have to wear ankle tethers for the duration of their “limited release”?

Who gets to go in the vault–any fortress employee, or only a few privileged illuminati?

Are there other things in the vault besides movies?  Gold?  Artifacts?  Amelia Earhart?  The actual results of the 2004 election?

These are the kinds of questions that America needs to know.  And they’re also the kind of questions that get me kicked out of most Disney Stores in the mall.

This entry was posted on Friday, September 22nd, 2006 at 3:56 pm and is filed under Have A Laugh. You can follow responses to this entry through the Comments RSS Feed. You can leave a response or trackback from your site.