The Nuts Are Running The Squirrel House

Ants don’t run away.

I noticed this while I watched an ant in the bathroom at work this morning.  Most bugs react to interruptions.  If you lift up a rock, the centepedes run away.  The rolly-pollies curl up.  Assorted beetles flee.  (Much like when a parent comes home unexpectedly in the middle of a teen’s party–there’s a lot of fear and running, and someone always falls in the pool.  But I digress.  Back to the ant.)  I stomped my foot.  I moved my foot back and forth.  I even blew at him.  But the ant didn’t seem at all alarmed.  Personally, if I saw a giant stomping sandal that was 4 bazillion times bigger than me, I would walk briskly away.  (Not too fast–sandals can sense fear.)  But the ant just went about his wandering.

That got me wondering…are ants just abnormally brave bugs?  I tend not to think so, mostly because of the lack of tiny platforms with bungee cords near ant colonies.  (That would be the most obvious way for ants to showcase their bravery to each other.)  The only other explanation (besides pharmaceutically induced apathy) is that ants are, in fact, dumb.  My main argument for this is that generally it is the dumber creatures that are unafraid of imminent danger (thus the numerous videos of extreme sports gone wrong).  Adding to the evidence, however, is the fact that there are LOTS of ants, and it is usually the dumber creatures that breed the most.  (Apply this where you may.)  Examples include rabbits, goldfish, and people with mullets.

I realize this goes against everything we learned about ants in elementary school.  We all learned the story of the smart, hard working ants and the lazy grasshopper:  The grasshopper played his fiddle all summer while the ants were working.  Winter arrived and the grasshopper ran out of food, while the ants had plenty of food from their hard work earlier in the summer.  What elementary school doesn’t teach us is that with abstinence or proper contraceptives, the ants could have reduced their population, thus reducing the amount of food needed, thus lessening the time required to prepare for winter, thus giving them time to learn how to play a musical instrument.  Instead, they ignored that idea (and numerous public service announcements) and became overpopulated obsessive workaholics, shunning social interaction and the arts.

My point is: ants don’t run away, but that doesn’t mean they are brave.

My second point is: it’s funny to think of a grasshopper playing the fiddle.

My third point is: “fiddle” is a funny word.

My fourth point is: from practicing all summer, the grasshopper became very talented playing the fiddle.  He was invited to Carnegie Hall where he played to a sold-out crowd, among whom was a record-producer who offered the grasshopper a contract.  After two certified platinum records, the grasshopper had so much money from royalties, performances, and sales that he never had to worry about storing up food for the winter again.  He paid for a statue of himself to be put next to the road where the ants trudged by that summer as they worked to store up food for the next winter.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 25th, 2006 at 10:18 am and is filed under Have A Laugh. You can follow responses to this entry through the Comments RSS Feed. You can leave a response or trackback from your site.