The Nuts Are Running The Squirrel House

I had an important meeting this past Tuesday.  When I have an important meeting to go to, I like to:

1. Be unstressed
2. Dress appropriately
3. Smell good
4. Feel clean
5. Have ample time to get ready
6. Have clothes that fit
7. Feel my best
8. Not have to explain at the meeting why something is amiss
9. Wear my own clothes
10. Not have my normal routine interrupted

I was on my way to accomplishing these things until…The Cat.

I had stayed the night at my friend Chris’s house so that I could be closer to where the meeting was that morning.  I woke up and showered, then went to my suitcase to get my clothes.  But I was in for a rude awakening.  The Cat had showered my suitcase with a urinary gift.  My pants.  My sweaters.  My shoes.  Even my BIBLE.  Yes, The Cat relieved itself (or perhaps expressed itself?) on the WORD OF GOD.  It sprayed the Scriptures.  It peed on the prophets.  It wetted the wondrous works of the writers.  It leaked on the leather.  In that one act, The Cat toppled all ten of my pre-meeting preferences.  If you had been in my head at that moment, you would have heard something like this:

“Why is my sweater wet?”
“I better smell it to see what it is.”
“Ugh!”
“Is that what I think it is?”
“That’s what I think it is.”
“Take a body count.  Is the sweater the only casualty?”
“Ugh! My other sweater!”
“Ugh! My shirt!”
“Ugh! My other shirt!”
“Ugh! My backup other shirt!”
(I like to be prepared.)
“Ugh! My right shoe!”
“Ugh! My left shoe!”
“Ugh! My suitcase!”
“Ugh! The Bible!”
“At least the dress pants I changed into after my shower are still ok.” 
“Ugh! My dress pants!”
**Panic**
“What am I going to wear?  The only pants I have left are my jeans and my pajamas!”
**Anger**
“Why does this have to happen today?”
**Questioning**
“Which one of that cats was it?”
**Blind fury**
“If I find out which cat it was, I will have a furry purse with a tail by nightfall.”
**Remorse**
“Oh, but they’re so cute.”
**Reality check**
“I don’t have time to do laundry.  What am I going to wear?”
**Resourcefulness**
“Well, in The Sound of Music, they wore curtains…”
**Disappointment**
“Crap.  Chris has blinds.”

I did make it to my meeting on time, and I did explain to them why I was wearing jeans.  They didn’t even seem to care, and the meeting was a success.

But this is far from over.

The Pee Incident was not accidental.  It was premeditated.  My suitcase was the only area affected.  So who was the culprit?

Suspect 1: Baby Kitty.  A large black female cat with a dandruff problem who snuggled up to me most of the previous night.
Possible Motivation:  Unsure.  Was the snuggling insincere?  Was she taking out her dandruff frustration on me?

Suspect 2: Ray-Ray.  A large gray, striped male cat.
Possible Motivation:  On the night before The Pee Incident, I tried to snuggle with Ray-Ray.  He wanted none of it.  Perhaps the situation unearthed an aggravated emotional instability brought on by memories of his estranged father.

Suspect 1 and 2…I will be watching you.  When you eat your kibble or sun yourself, I will be there.  When you sit in a window sill or groom yourself awkwardly in front of guests, I will be there…because if I let this deed go unpunished, the terrorists win.

This entry was posted on Friday, April 14th, 2006 at 1:43 pm and is filed under General, Have A Laugh. You can follow responses to this entry through the Comments RSS Feed. You can leave a response or trackback from your site.