The Nuts Are Running The Squirrel House

Here is the poem (slightly revised to make it flow better and improve the form) that I read for Comedy Night:

David and Goliath (And Then Some)

The sun had just woke
From its evening-time sleep
When David got up.
(He’s the boy with the sheep.)

Today would be different—
His father had said,
“Go visit your brothers.
Make sure they’re not dead.”

His brothers were out
On the battlefield, pacing.
But this time, Osama
Was not who they’re chasing.

So David walked miles
(The amount I’m not certain)
But it was a ways
‘Cause his feet started hurtin’.

He finally made it.
(His sandals were ruined.)
He went to his brothers and said,
”How you doin’?”

They started to talk,
But before they were done,
Horses were neighing and
Soldiers yelled, “Run!”

A giant was coming!
Their spirits were wiltin’
The ground shook and fell
Like a drunk Paris Hilton.

Then David said,
“Who is this overgrown monsta’
Who taunts all God’s people
Whenever he wants ta?”

“Goliath of Gath,”
They all said with a fidget.
“He makes that guy Shaq
Look as short as a midget!”

King Saul called for David.
“I’ve heard you are brave,
But you’re way too small
For this terrible knave.”

Then David replied,
“I’ve killed lions and bears.
I wrestled the Rock and
Threw HIM down the stairs!”

“All right,” said King Saul.
“You can go right ahead,
But don’t run to me
If you come back here dead.”

“Now here—wear my armor.
Yes, try it, it’s neato!”
But David just looked
Like a tin can burrito.

So David departed and
Headed to war
With stones and a rod
To help settle the score.

Goliath saw David and
Said with a laugh,
“You come to fight me
With that pitiful staff?”

“You seem much too small
To be acting defiant.
Compared to you,
Danny DeVito’s a giant!”

But David said,
“Now you will come to an end.
Please say ‘hello’
To my little rock friend!”

Before the great giant could say,
“Rocks are horrid,”
One sank like Titanic
Right into his forehead.

He fell faster than
Martha Stewart’s “Apprentice”
Then hit with a “thud.”
(You can see where the dent is.)

(Now here’s a quick lesson
To kids who like thrills:
Getting stoned only one time
Can still kill.)

Then David ran over and
Lopped off his head.
The Philistines ran
When they saw he was dead.

King Saul said to David,
“Their army’s a wreck!
I’m happy to see that you’ve won—
By a neck!”

The Philistines lost and
God’s troops won the day.
Goliath’s big head was then sold
On e-Bay.

(Copyright Wendy Playter, 2006) 

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 23rd, 2006 at 11:59 am and is filed under Art, Have A Laugh. You can follow responses to this entry through the Comments RSS Feed. You can leave a response or trackback from your site.